kiregire
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Only a few people can see into the hearts of things that can't talk back. One stuffed bunny has found one of those people.
1. Epilogue

**Fandom - Gravitation  
Title - kiregire.  
Pairing - Tohma + Ryuichi, Ryuichi + Shuichi, Ryuichi + Tatsuha  
Rating - PG  
Description – Only a few people can see into the hearts of things that can't talk back. One stuffed bunny has found one of those people.**  
**  
Disclaimer – Gravitation isn't mine. I just really love and respect it.  
**  
Na na na  
we sing a song together  
Do do do  
so what if you look  
like a fo~ol!  
Hey hey hey  
When I say I'll be there  
Make sure that  
I'll be able to stay  
Ooh, ohh, oOH~!  
'cause promises aren't  
contracts at all, heart-filled ones,  
they're just possession makers  
set with words.  
Hmm hmmhmm hmm hmhm~  
crush your body  
with such superficiality.  
pureness isn't a virtue.  
Ladida ladidadada!  
i am used to this  
so it isn't too hard  
to recognize what to do.  
Oh my baby!  
I just didn't know I'd be here again:  
this freedom  
You said you'd keep me  
captive  
from.  
**  
kiregire.  
By miyamoto yui**

**Epilogue – He, I, and the snow.  
**  
I am a stuffed bunny. My name is Kumagorou.

Please excuse the inconsistency, it was not my decision to name myself. Others do that for you so that they can distinguish you from other things and people. And as a result, this is what my friend calls me.  
To be politically correct, rather, he is my owner and brother and father and master, but in all fairness, since he does not treat me as a 'possession', he is my 'friend'. Since the beginning and until all the stuffing is out of me, he will always be my friend.

My special place is on top of his navy blue and white stripped pillow to make sure I can see everything: The four seasons that I cannot reach because I'll get dirty, the people that come in with 'news', and most of all, so that he can look at me in the eye when he talks to me.

He doesn't treat me like the stuffed bunny everyone thinks I am. He talks to me as if we'd always been together. After all these stages of emotions, I'd say a lifetime or two has already passed in between immaturity and maturity, but never quite getting to the latter. So, I know everything that happens in this little apartment even though I cannot move by myself.

Sometimes, I wish I could though. Maybe that doesn't matter to Him though.

But then again, there are only few people who can _see_ things. Some people think that it is mostly kids that can sense things in a transparent fashion because of their pure souls. It is like looking through really clear water on a white, sandy beach and being able to watch all the fish swim along. For me, though, I think they are just honest. After all, you just learn to become tainted. You cannot help what the world brings to you, but you have everything within your grasps to make a decision about it.

Even I, who thought I had no soul, have a voice.  
Somehow, somewhere, I do. And it is within that man.

My friend is what you call an adult, but he sees that everything is living like a little kid that can find angels in spacious trains that others cannot even attempt to search for because they do not take the time to really look in the direction the child's eyes are focused on. Curiously, they may see more than what is visibly there. Isn't it funny that the things that are visible are the things that we should be most afraid of?

Or * laughs *, what is more is that he brings everything to life with his hands. Yes, whether it is book, music, painting…whatever, he can bring his imagination to life.

It is exactly what he is doing now. He is sitting in the middle of the living room and pushing the keys of the piano, nodding his head up and down.  
Although he is smiling as he listens to his own music, the complicated notes and chords give away a grave feeling. This inconsistency wants to make me sigh because he isn't talking to or making notes. He is very quiet right now, hiding everything with pursed lips and closed eyes, but his bare feet keep on furiously hitting the pedals below.

With that amount of force, I wonder if it's possible to make your fingers and feet bleed in order to bring life into your creation?

When he opens his eyes, they look at the single piece of white paper in front of him. The playing becomes even more intense. Slow and fast, tatatam…slow and fast, fast slow…fast!

The more he reads, the faster his playing becomes.  
He won't even look at me as I sit on top of the piano watching his fingers move in an amazing speed. And then, I notice that behind him, the snow is falling at the same rate he is playing. It is as fast as raindrops but as quiet as someone tiptoeing across this clear, wooden floor.

It isn't the playing that disturbs me. It is the fact that the agility of his fingers give away such a softly intense sound.

Surely, this piece has already ended. There is no way that it can go on for too long. Even I know that. I've been with you for twelve years.

Then, he stops and takes a deep breath. Staring at the paper in front of him, his face becomes more pale and blank.

Although it is cold, I cannot shiver. I am not allowed to feel things like that, but he is. The window is open and lets the winter air enter as it pleases. His body is shaking, but he still pursues his song as if it will warm him up as brilliantly as the sun that he worships every morning. He knows this is all in vain, but he cannot help it.

I watch him and I sometimes wish I could say something comforting to him. Sometimes, though, words are not enough. Being there is.

And even I know, just me being there is enough for him.

It is the simplest, yet most complicated human rule. Ironically, they made it and they keep on telling each other to mind it, but they can't ever really follow-through with it. They're kind of funny that way.

Sometimes, it's pathetically sad. Maybe that's why they enjoy half living-things like me. (I do not how to describe myself because I am not a person but I am not like a steel-plated platter that they call a mirror either. What am I?)

After all this time, I have to wonder, why is he starting to play again? He hasn't done it for a couple of months now because for a time, something replaced his incompleteness. That doesn't sound right, but life is demented like that, I guess.

Finally, when I think I have seen everything from this person, I am confronted with the fact that I haven't. He looks up at me with half-open lips and I realize he isn't shaking from the cold of the air.

It is the ice that is starting to build from the inside.

**Tsuzuku... / To be continued…**

**3/11/2007 5:09:21 AM - LA  
3/11/2007 9:09 PM - Tokyo**


	2. Piece 1

**Fandom - Gravitation  
Title - kiregire.  
Pairing - Tohma + Ryuichi, Ryuichi + Shuichi, Ryuichi + Tatsuha  
Rating - PG  
Description – Only a few people can see into the hearts of things that can't talk back. One stuffed bunny has found one of those people.**

**Disclaimer – Gravitation isn't mine. I just really love and respect it.**

**kiregire.  
By miyamoto yui**

**Piece 1 – a brat, a bunny, and a big shopping mall  
**  
Flashback to twelve years ago…

They were playing some English song through the speakers about something being 'true'. The song made perfect sense and no sense at the same time. Well, of course I didn't understand it. I hadn't gotten out of my box yet.

When I first saw this human being, he was reading a book while aimlessly walking around. He tended to do that a lot when he got lost about life, so he had to get physically lost. (I have to mention that he has no sense of direction. It seems that he always seems to have the luck of finding his way somehow, but maybe that is inaccurate too.)  
No one really recognized him because he looked so frumpy with his oversized gray sweatshirt and holey jeans. He even had those black retro glasses on too. Let's also add that his hair was so messy since he didn't even bother comb it.

Imagine this: The man who was voted the most eligible bachelor in the whole music world went into a department store named Seitan and headed straight to the toy store. He squatted before the lego section and looked at his literature book to see if he could attempt to recreate Tokyo Tower in its entirety.  
The attendants darted their curious eyes at him and each had a strange expression on their face. You didn't have to have them tell you aloud what was clear on their faces: Why was a man dressed like this even here? Surely, it wasn't for himself!

Absurd but true. I saw him from the shelf next door. (I'd have slapped my hand on my forehead if I could have. But even so, I didn't think my arms were long enough.)

"Atta!" he suddenly cried with pleasure, closing his book with one hand and picking up a long red lego with the other. "I found it! The perfect piece!"

Apathetically, I just watched him. After all, I was at the top shelf with no chance of being noticed. I was resealed. In this country, except clothes, no one likes returned stuff, even if it's never touched. As long as it looked like it was, there was really no hope for me, so I was just waiting to be tossed.

Such was the existence of stuffed animals like myself. Or so it seemed.

"Ryuichi!" a firm yet frightening voice called in a sharp tone.  
"Eep." The one called 'Ryuichi' grimaced as he dropped his lego and gave a small, nervous wave that matched his grin.  
"I _knew_ you'd be here." The blond man took a deep breath and grounded his teeth slightly. His eyes instantly became two parallel, horizontal lines, complete with threats. "I can't leave you alone for one milli-second."  
"B-b-but I wanted to get a new toy! There's nothing to do on the tour van. If I look at notes and tvs all day, I'm gonna go bonkers!" He blinked and almost looked like he was going to cry.

Was this man serious?! Not in all the months I'd been here had I EVER seen such a being before! It was a little refreshing though, in some ridiculously light way. Eh heh heh…

By this time, the attendants and the mothers looking over their children were clearing their throats from laughing. But this person did not notice anything.  
He didn't damn CARE nor did he listen to what was being whispered around him.

The blond, despite his stoic nature, could not resist that puppy-eyed look. It was the most sincere thing he'd dealt with in his whole life. You could tell by the way his shoulders slightly became a little relaxed. His tone changed a little too. When he cleared his throat, he lowered his voice into a gentle scold, "Can't you get something quieter? Nuriko really hates the 'clack-clack' sound when she's trying to sleep."  
At that moment, the messy, brown-haired man's eyes lit up and he smiled so brightly. He turned his head and he saw me.

He became very serious all of a sudden.

Looking back at the blond man, he demanded in a kiddish manner, "Touma, I want THAT."  
Following the man-child's pointing finger, he looked at me. And then I realized it was ME. Or rather, one of my family.

Crap. Hope that I'd be taken? But once they see the tape they'll put me down.  
I didn't like this at all! I always hated this part!

When he took the box below me, I was relieved. Phew, that was close.  
But curiously, Ryuichi hugged the white box and closed his eyes. He shook his head and looked at Touma. "No, this one says he shouldn't be mine. He doesn't like me."

Touma just stood next to him quietly, fascinated in a frozen way. You would have thought he was being apathetic, giving in as usual to this weirdo, but his eyes couldn't look away from the shining face before him.

It was as if he'd selfishly lock that particular expression inside a picture to preserve it for all time so that it wouldn't ever age.

Yet, no one could tell because the blond was just quietly watching. At first glance, he seemed so disinterested, but the more you looked, the more you knew. But a lot of people couldn't even get that far because they were so concerned with the outrageous conduct of a man in his twenties attempting to buy a stuffed bunny for himself, forgetting all about the legos.

"Here." Ryuichi gave Touma his book and struggled with his fingers to get a hold of me. I held my breath.

Then, we saw each other face-to-face. He closed his eyes and put his forehead to the box, hugging the box all the while. Opening his eyes again, he smiled widely at ME and said, "Yup, you're the one."

It was weird. Had he somehow heard 'buy me please' beneath all the resistance, despite all my pride?  
This man had. Because of this, I knew this person was special somehow.

Not everyone allowed themselves to hear the heart so clearly and closely, even at the cost of their own happiness.

I had heard from the others in the shop that there were some people like that, but it was so rare. Why had he chosen something like me?

When we got to the van, it was dark outside. The spunky and pretty pink-haired lady in the van laughed as she took a hold of my box. She looked at me and squealed, "It's SO cute!"  
Ryuichi smiled with his teeth showing and took the box to the back of the van. He sat down on one of the leather seats and took off his sneakers. Sitting cross-legged, he thought of my name as Touma sat across him.  
Ryuichi puffed up his cheeks. "You don't have to say it. I KNOW what you're thinking."  
"Didn't say a word." Touma answered in a nonchalant voice and now he was reading the book that Ryuichi had put in his hand earlier.

That round, tired face stared at me with that Look! He then got a pen from Touma's jacket pocket (with Touma being unfazed and turned a page) and wrote "Kumagorou" on the top with a date of when he bought me. Biting on the tip of the pen, he decided to add the time too by pulling Touma's cuff and looking at his watch.

As he opened the box, he saw all the tape and commented, "Oh."  
But strangely, I wasn't scared of being returned.

When he brought me out of the box, he lifted me up in the air as if I were a baby. Looking up at me, he said, "Your name is Kumagorou!"  
Then, he hugged me tightly. "Don't worry. Now that I have you, I'll take good care of you."

I wondered what that would mean though. There were children at the toy store who kept their stuffed animals so close to them. There were others that hit them and then hugged them. Still, there were others that left their stuffed animal in the store.

I had seen it all, but still, I trusted that reassuring voice because he had heard me.

Touma looked up from the book and smirked. And then, Ryuichi quietly held me and we both looked out the window together. It was so dark that you could only see small doses of porch lamps and the trickles of rain that fell in the middle of the night.  
Soon, Ryuichi yawned very loudly without covering his mouth and fell asleep holding tightly onto me. I did too, but it was right after Touma threw a light blue blanket over us.

"I am glad you're here," Ryuichi murmured in his sleep.

Touma sat back down and opened the book again, but his eyes stared straight at Ryuichi. He made his right hand into a fist and rested his chin on the top of it. Closing the book, he nodded his head and gave a gentle smile. Turning off the light, he fell asleep too.

Whether you were a person of the upper class, a student, an actress, a singer, a teacher…  
No matter who you were, when you were asleep, everyone was the same…

They were peaceful until their eyes woke up to face the realities of the world again.  
And later, the world, I saw outside of the toy store and through this man, had more meaning from what happened on the inside of your heart than on the outside, right before your eyes.

**Tsuzuku... / To be continued…**

**3/11/2007 5:56:08 AM - LA  
3/11/07 9:56PM - Tokyo**


	3. Piece 2

**Fandom - Gravitation  
Title - kiregire.  
Pairing - Tohma + Ryuichi, Ryuichi + Shuichi, Ryuichi + Tatsuha  
Rating - PG  
Description – Only a few people can see into the hearts of things that can't talk back. One stuffed bunny has found one of those people.**

**Disclaimer – Gravitation isn't mine, but I am too in love with it to ever let go of it. (Ace of Base owns "Tokyo Girl" and Yasunari Kawabata is a famous Japanese novelist in post-war Japan.)**

**kiregire.  
by miyamoto yui**

**Piece 2 – sunshine-maker, huggie-toy, and ocean's laughter.  
**  
With the mismatch of sounds, color, and relationships, I learned that you could be moved to the point of falling and yet in reality, not move a physical step.

It was a wonder why these humans continued to 'wake up' after I saw my friend Ryuichi's 'life'…

It was nearly a month before Ryuichi's birthday and when he had bought me. I found out when we were in the large, sleek black van, he was on an all-country tour by the age of twenty-one.

How young for him to be a hero.

Yet, because of that energy to always push beyond his limits, he had won the hearts of the people within his island country. Young and old, they had been looking for a genuine hero.

Haven't you ever wondered why there are so many advertisements plastered everywhere? Why are there men that look beautiful and women that must top that? Why are people so into having matching 'trendy clothes' and trying the latest snack when in another country, it wasn't so popular? The same international actors and actresses or pop stars were only known by name but not personality?

Yet through all the plastic packaging, a wild, rugged young man had ripped his way through, not wanting to be suffocated in the crowd of a numbered many. His songs were not just pretty lyrics about lost love or to give you confidence with life. Each song was a painting that represented a season, a specific event in your life that you could always relate to.

He could make you see yourself: the way you first fell in love, the way a friend could betray you by spreading rumors, the way you could love and hate yourself at the same time. These were the silent regrets and protests that everyone whose quiet voices could not shout out because even if they did, you could still be ignored.

In a way, like someone who read your palm, he could be in sync with your soul for a few seconds.

I didn't understand this at the time. I only started to when I went on his first photoshoot.

In the tour van, he kept on listening to his demo tapes and kept on getting upset in the back, where he usually sat. Lip-syncing along to the melody, no one could touch him. He even lost all sense of me and I was sitting in his lap.  
Often, he would put me in the seat across him and watch me with such sorrowful eyes. Alone, he would grab his head and curl up in a ball not knowing what to do about the pressure before him. That bright face that had greeted me was sobbing with a quivering lip.

Yet, there was that persistent silence. He wiped his nose with a kleenex box next to him, but there was absolutely no noise.

And prideful, he wouldn't let anyone else see, but me. Even I wasn't allowed to touch him though.

For with every ray of sunshine inside this man, in exchange, he had to taste the bitterness of his own instability. He knew it more than anyone. He loved extremely and also took any emotion just as hard.

You couldn't be happy all the time. You had to crash as well.

Even a hero could feel fear.

"I can't hug you right now, Kumagorou," he said wiping a tear away and looking away from me. "I don't want to dirty you. You're my good luck charm, after all."

When we arrived at the site, he brought me along and it was the first time I had seen the sea. It was vast and as blue as the sky above it. They almost looked like mirrors, only one was moving more than the other.  
Ryuichi politely greeted everyone with a smile and a wave. It amazed me how professional he could be, or was it single-mindedness? Either way, whenever he had a responsibility, he was challenged.

He didn't ever runaway. Even if he wanted to.  
Taking his clothes into the van, he changed and I watched his transformation. I was right in front of him on the countertop of the makeup table. Making small talk with the make-up artist, I found out that he could talk about anything.

"So, what do you like to do in your spare time, if you have any?" He grinned as he looked into the mirror, watching Ms. Hashimoto's eyes light up at applying some moisturizer onto his face.  
"I love to read some older books like Kawabata Yasunari."  
Ryuichi nodded. "I like him. He was a bit odd, but it was fresh."  
"Sakuma-san has read Kawabata-sensei's works?"  
Ryuichi smiled even more. It always tickled and disappointed him that people didn't think he read such things since he always acted like a child. People tended to love to take things at face value.

It was easy to be fooled by a smile, like in that song by Ace of Base called "Tokyo Girl":  
"Her 'yes' is 'no' and 'no' is a 'maybe',  
Her language is so hard to learn."

"Yes, of course. I like the way that he can mix obsession and macabre love. These are things that I think people think about and wish they had, even if it's too much sometimes but they want it one time in their lives. But, in the end, they aren't able to do it. So, it's just as pretty reading it in a book."  
At that moment, Hashimoto-san nodded her head and a smile of admiration shined through. Softly and slowly, she applied the make-up as if she wanted more time to talk to Ryuichi.  
As for Ryuichi, I couldn't believe what he had said. After all, I hadn't heard his songs yet. He hadn't sung them aloud to me.

I didn't understand the power of words.

They truly had the ability to murder and to resurrect the listener and the speaker.

When he was taking me outside, he stopped to kiss me. I had a slight tinge of red on my lips. But those deep eyes were so full of sadness and I couldn't understand why. "I have only had you for three weeks, but you are the only one I won't lie to, Kumagorou. Even if it's only you. You are my silent friend."

What was he thinking? No one ever really knew.

Under the bright sunlight, he placed me in the chair that was marked 'Ryuichi' in white. No one was allowed to touch me, not even if the wind knocked me over. He always rushed over to save me.  
I saw this same man with designer jeans, tall boots, and a tight, off-white turtleneck with one side sleeveless and the other long-sleeved, smile at all the cameras.  
When they told him to start, he immediately ran through the edge of the seashore, touching the water with his hand. Then, he threw away his tall boots and rolled his jeans up. Splashing around, you could tell he loved the water. Every part of him said so!  
His laugh reminded you of a toddler discovering that the painted colors of yellow and blue made green, the color of the transparent ocean at that moment. It almost seemed cruel to take him back from such a surreal place.

Yet, he had that talent to bring you there: To that innocent place in the sunshine where you were before the world tainted you with its expectations.

More and more, I began to see why he was 'special'. 

In the end, everyone was so pleased. The director was so happy that he complimented that he had seen so many people before, but he was truly talented. He had a gift that even he couldn't articulate. Bowing politely, Ryuichi's sweet smile lingered until he came to get me. He passed Tohma and they made eye contact for just a second, but he ran.

His smile lasted until he came to the van and into his room.

We were alone again.

Here was the glamorous Sakuma Ryuichi, the same being at the photoshoot just minutes ago, before me holding his fists on top of the counter, watching his own reflection. They were two different people. That's why I said 'being'.

He was shaking as he put on the melody he had been concentrating on for three weeks. It was the new one that he wanted to present for tomorrow's concert.

Ryuichi was so scared of himself. Fearing his own strength and his own image, he was trembling.

"Do I push people away because of the way I truly am?" he mumbled to himself.  
Then, he grabbed me and hugged me tightly. He was trying so hard to calm himself down. Was he used to doing this? And by himself? That's so-

I was just shocked even I wish for a moment that I were truly lifeless. Was that why he could feel so much that others can't even-

CRASH!  
I didn't pay attention when he had put me on the other side of the room and threw a glass of water into his own mirror. "I…I…I hate that person!"  
He pointed at the mirror, at the disfigured reflection that stared back at him.

It was then that I learned about self-loathing. The person you were, the person you showed to all the world and the person you could only show to those who were truly special to…

He touched the mirror and his fingers began to bleed. He didn't realize he was pressing too much into the shattered glass. Then, he slipped to his knees like a rag doll.

"Is it that time of year again? Is that why you're always running away at the end of everything?" Tohma stood at the door and locked it behind him.  
No one else was allowed to see Ryuichi as he was now.

Neither one would allow anyone to.  
I was an exception because I was already there and to take me away meant death, even to his best friend Touma.

Ryuichi looked at him with his tear tracks showing. But his serious face wouldn't utter a single word. Tears colorlessly wetted the floor.  
At that moment, Touma got me and knelt next to him. Ryuichi ended up leaning his head on his shoulder.  
"Here," Tohma said almost with slight annoyance.  
Now, holding onto me, he turned his face and cried into Tohma's dark jacket. "I don't know why this happens to me. Every time I know March is here, I get this way. Physically, I am here, but mentally, I am back to those days when the sun was so hot that I didn't want to get out of bed. It was when I met that person who saved me from throwing everything away.  
"And no matter how many years pass, this feeling still comes back. I can't tell anyone about this part of me."

It was then that I realized that 'specialness' he possessed had come with a heavy price that even he thought he couldn't handle. And yet, at the photo session or at the concerts, even with a fever and going crazy from the core, he always did what he could, the best way he knew how.

Even when he didn't know if it was right.

"I'm trapped here. I don't know how to get out."

He cried so loudly that I kept on thinking, "That's not right…this isn't right…"  
The world had gone upside down. It was instantly such a horrible place to hear such a person cry for being himself, even if he split himself into so many different ways. They were all telling the truth.

Why was that wrong? Why did he blame himself so much?

Touma just patted his head. "I know," he responded quietly. "But knowing you, you put yourself here. And you will find a way to get out too."

This one too was quite harsh to everyone. At the photo session, he made everyone run around to find the best fruit, water, and clothes for Ryuichi. Everything had to be perfect in order to present his most precious one out to the world. But away from all the cameras, he gave him oxygen and a lot of things to drink to help him. Behind his cold tone and dark sunglasses, he was kind in his own way.

When Ryuichi was away, even he would thank me for taking care of him. That man wasn't as evil and calculating as they all thought he was. He just became that way if you wasted his time.

If you must know, I would say that he and Ryuichi are exactly the same.

And the next day, even though he had thrown up and was sick, he jumped and shouted. He sang with fingerless gloves and smiled as if the sun never set in his world.

Through everything, Ryuichi smiles with all his heart. That, I think, is the hardest thing this world could make you do.  
In this certain way, the prettiest thing in the world became the cruelest.

I knew it more than anyone. It was the very reason I was created.

**Tsuzuku... / To be continued…**  
**  
4/8/2007 3:59:09 AM – LA  
4/8/07 7:59 PM - Tokyo**


	4. Piece 3

**Fandom - Gravitation  
Title - kiregire.  
Pairing - Tohma + Ryuichi, Ryuichi + Shuichi, Ryuichi + Tatsuha  
Rating – PG  
Description – Only a few people can see into the hearts of things that can't talk back. One stuffed bunny has found one of those people.**

**Disclaimer – Gravitation isn't mine. I just really love and respect it.**

**kiregire.  
by miyamoto yui**

**Part 3 – wanderer, green-eyed monster, and song's release.  
**

In humans, there is something ugly that they wish not to reveal to anyone. It is worse than pity and deeper than love. Desperation could not even be described as an emotion. How could something so empty be labeled a 'feeling' anyway?

But the tears that could not be cried and the stuffing that was in the place of my heart could not ache. And yet here I was full of 'life', the belief that my friend Ryuichi could see through me: More than being his stuffed bunny.  
On that day though, I became aware of what I was in other's eyes and how far my limited capabilities could stretch before I could undo the stitches that even Ryuichi couldn't even begin to fix…

…nor even his own.

That day was one of shame. Though I did nothing, I felt like I failed in some way. It seems foolish now to think about it because I was too innocent to know that the ability to show love overpowered the overwhelming emotion of wanting to give definition to the emotions that humans had inside of them.  
Deep inside of them, they wanted to give something though they didn't ever want to admit it. I believe they wanted to give whatever they had deep inside because it was scarier to receive anything from another human being, for the receiver and the giver of a gift had different intentions.  
They don't seem to coincide.

Ryuichi always became quiet whenever he listened to certain songs. When he let me hear them, they were always about wanting to be the only one to be looked at. I didn't understand until the day when my rival unexpectedly showed himself.

_On that day, years after that photo session, Ryuichi arrived very early so that he could look at the empty stage of that wide, wide place. He leaned his back onto the wall from all the way in the back. And he didn't say a word, but seemed nostalgic.  
They way he looked at that place as he held me tighter and tighter in his arms, I could see that this place had feeling. When people remembered things, they weren't aware of the time they lived in, they were filled only with the memories of yesterday. And there was no way I could have called out to Ryuichi, who seemed to be in a trance._

_He pointed his head downwards._

_Although he had come here earlier that day, he pretended that when he came here with Tohma that he had just arrived. I never really understood why he did that kind of thing. Was it always necessary to be so secretive even to the people that were closest to him? Were people always pushing others away even though wanted to be comforted so gently and tightly?  
It seemed like a kind weakness within him. Although he was wrapped up within his own head and in his own perspective within this world, he could not ever say what he really wanted. He didn't ever want to admit the things that connected him to other people._

_"Damn pride," he mumbled to himself, as if he had heard my thoughts._

_He didn't want pity. He didn't want others to worry, so he always pretended like he knew what he was doing.  
So, when he came to the Ask concert, he put his cap over head. I was already gone. I was put on a metal seat where no one could touch me, where no one would find me but him._

_I saw it so clearly. Until now, I could see it before me._

_"Doesn't he remind you of you?" someone had said. I didn't remember who. I didn't really care as I saw Ryuichi's head look up. It was facing straight at the pink-haired boy whom the audience was shouting off the stage._

_In that silence, I bet no one knew the intensity or the magnitude. Only I knew that the moment, Ryuichi was so focused, it was all over. Touring the world and living in America deepened his character but made his emotions go out of whack.  
With no one but me to truly talk to, there was no one to give everything to. There were no challenges that were outside of himself._

_He trapped himself by the images and goals he had made by his own expectations._

_Entranced, he sang slowly and clearly. He jumped down from his place and the boy seemed to recognize his voice too. Without talking to one another, they called out to one another._

_It was the first time they'd ever met their mirror reflections.  
Looking at one another, they couldn't see it. Anyone else thought they saw what I did, but those who didn't speak could probably have a hint what this all meant._

_Only I knew it was not a moment's outlet. It wasn't aspiration._

_Ryuichi's voice carried all the fears he had. And it finally sang out all the affections he could not focus onto one person. There were people who loved themselves to arrogance, but Ryuichi couldn't do that to himself._

_It was as if the boy could forgive the things he could not heal about himself.  
When he looked up to the boy, he pasted the confusing, yet strong emotions all over with a smile to hide himself all over again._

_By the force of the things I saw and could not control as well as all the anger and frustration I felt that I could not show having been here all this time but not shown this new layer Ryuichi that I deserved as his confidant, I fell down to the dirty floor by the booming of their singing._

_And I was lying to one side with my right ear covering my eyes. I didn't know how much time passed when they sang but it was a prolonged eternity for me because my eyes were wide open. I could not cry or close them. I could not move or runaway._

_It was the first time I felt the rage called jealousy. My enemy had pink hair, but he could capture this individual's attention more than I ever could._

_Once more, Ryuichi was changing…evolving._

_Evolving by the minute he met this one named Shuichi._

_As Ryuichi jumped back to K and Tohma, he passed by me. The one who picked me up was Touma. And before going after them, he dusted me off and looked at me so sadly.  
"I know how this feels."_

_I looked in Tohma's eyes. They matched the ones that Ryuichi had when playing the piano, alone in the room in the mountains.  
_

Yes, there are things only we can experience from the hurt we have reached. Maybe when it passes then we can 'let go', but until we can hold on, it is still a beautiful thing. You see the power of our weaknesses rise together to reveal something you cannot see in strength.  
Many will not believe in such a thing. It is because the world makes simple things so complicated and the only way to see is through your heart. However, to trust it is more dangerous than believing in another person.

Maybe that's what Ryuichi is always wondering about inside of himself, especially as he plays in the chaotic darkness.

**Tsuzuku... / To be continued…**

**Author's note: **It has been a long time because I have been working a lot and thinking too much. Maybe it also because there are some thoughts that I was afraid to admit because I found myself learning so much that it became so overwhelming.

I thank you for reading and supporting this fic.

Love,  
yui

**10/26/2007 5:19:23 AM**


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